So al-Qaeda wanted to kidnap Russell Crowe to further the end of “cultural destabilization” by grabbing an American actor. Huh? He’s from New Zealand. And having Michael Moore run amok should create enough trouble from a cultural perspective.

Number One and I heard this in the car while we were driving home from Hebrew School. Naturally, I wondered out loud if al-Qaeda was taking requests. After all, there is Keanu Reeves and Sean Pean. C’mon, the high point for Keanu in films was Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure for crying out loud. And Sean’s claim to fame is shacking up with Madonna and defending the honor of Jude Law.

Those two can go right now. I promise I will be destabilized. Honestly.

Actually, if al-Qaeda wants to hit the consumerism of American culture, they would go for the Urban and Hip-Hop stars that the suburban kids love so much. That’s where the money is at and the attention lavished, not Hollywood. I want to see al-Qaeda try and grab somebody like Ja Rule.

How about that? In the ensuing gun battle, who would be left standing? No matter, we would all win. If Ja Rule wins, well, that’s a few less terrorists that we have to worry about. If al-Qaeda manages to get Ja Rule, well, thanks anyway.

I want to see them try to make off with someone like Old Dirty Bastard from the Wu-Tang clan. I give the terrorists two days tops before they come back with him. “Yeah, see, on second thought, he does more damage here.” (I know that ODB died, the point is that at the time of the plot, he wasn’t. Insert a suitable name in lieu of ODB.)

But Number One had a better one. How about Paris Hilton? Not that would be a riot. We could have “The Simple Life: Terrorists.” Paris could dress in a burkha. Work with camels even. I can’t wait for the episode where she trains with the Palestinian police and learns nipple tweaking and superman flying. I won’t even think about the videotapes that will be released.

Yes, Number One is exactly like me.

(Hat tip: IFOC)