\u00e2\u20ac\u0153A back scratcher? I ask for a DVD and I get a fucking back scratcher? Those guys got a PS 3 and a Ferrari and I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even get a lousy movie? What the fuck? I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to scratch my fucking nuts with this!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He was waving the bamboo device in the air like an antelope femur so I could see.<\/p>\n
I looked up at John and smirked. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the thought that counts.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Yeah, well, I think about my nuts being scratched with this.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153You could get a splinter,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I offered, not really believing that I was having this conversation.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, it has this smooth roll-y thing on the other end. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll probably feel pretty good.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Too much information,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I replied as I got up to get a cup of coffee and go out for a cigarette leaving him muttering to himself. Life in the headquarters office was a lot of things, including dull, but there was always the redeeming quality of the surreal at random intervals.<\/p>\n
Myself, I was mulling over the latest package from the States for me, one that had come from some school that had adopted us. Each of us basically got packages from one or two kids. Naturally, those who responded back were rewarded by their assigned children telling all their friends that their soldier was The CoolestTM<\/sup> because he actually<\/em> responded back. As a result, all of the other ignored urchins would dump their particular deadbeat G.I. and start writing someone else, someone who had at least a history of writing once in reply.<\/p>\n This was my situation. I had a package from some new kid, one I hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t heard of before. Some youthful hussy moving in on his pal\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s turf, trying to get some attention from some G.I. in response to the packages and notes that he or she had packed in school. Nice enough, but that means that I have to write back and maybe get wrapped up in some middle school drama. Well, we will just have to see about that, and I went back inside.<\/p>\n I opened the package and saw the usual assortment of prepackaged goods and the obligatory note. With enclosed picture. Wrong. This is going in a direction that I just do not like. This was too fast, too soon. I barely knew the kid. A picture? On the first package? I’m not that fast or easy, mister. Just what kind of G.I. did he think I was? Sitting down, I started penning a response when Rod came in.<\/p>\n “Dude, it looks like aliens invading out there!”<\/p>\n “Come again?” John was ignoring this and doing something like the hominids from the opening 2001: A Space Odyssey<\/u> with his scratcher. This was not happening.<\/p>\n “Aliens! Out there in the sky! Seriously, come look.”<\/p>\n “Rod, I was just out there. There are no aliens. They aren’t real. You’re not for real. None of this is real.”<\/p>\n “I’m telling you, it’s aliens coming down out there! There’s lights everywhere in the sky, right out there,” he said pointing to the door.<\/p>\n “Right. Look, Rod, I like you. I really do. But right now, you are out of it. Aliens don’t exist. YOU don’t exist, as far as I’m concerned. It’s probably just illumination rounds being fired. Now get out of here, or I turn John loose on you.” John was grunting in the corner, cracking open a can of Swedish Fish with the Bamboo Device and doing something that vaguely resembled sucking out non-existent marrow. From candy fish.<\/p>\n Rod left, still glancing at the sky as he walked across the porch, and I got back to work.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Dear\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6\u00e2\u20ac\u009d What the hell is this kid\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s name, again? Oh, yeah, Johnny McGuire.<\/p>\n Dear Jerry,<\/p>\n I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like that Johnny nonsense. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll call you Jerry from now on. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s easier for me that way, and you had best learn up front that making things easier for me is what it is all about, especially if you know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s good for you.<\/p>\n The soothing sound alarm thing that you sent was cute. I especially like that it had cool sounds like Heart Monitor and Train Wreck. I used the Heart Monitor last night and woke up in the middle of the night imagining that I was back in the hospital. In the confusion, I started pawing at imaginary tubes and lines that weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t there, screaming like I was on fire again. In fact, I was so freaked out that I let off a couple rounds into the darkness. Too bad the walls are paper thin and I am a lousy shot. My neighbor is in the hospital for real now, Jerry. Thanks a lot.<\/p>\n Look, I can get any old kid to be my school kid back home. You need me as your G.I., Jerry; I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t need you. C\u00e2\u20ac\u2122mon, Jerry. Who do you have besides me? No one. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m looking to get a multi-year deal out of the army, and you need to come through. I have a shelf life of twenty years tops. Show me the Dinar!<\/p>\n This is what you are going to do for me, Jerry. It’s kind of personal to me, a sort of family motto. Ready? Who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your Amriki, Jerry, huh? Who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your Amriki? Yeah, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s right. Scream it louder; I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hear you. In fact, I want you to jump up at school and scream \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I love the Iraqi People.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n I love the Iraqi People! I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t hear you, Jerry: I love the Iraqi People!<\/p>\n Never mind. You had me at Soothe.<\/p>\n I hope that you have a good holiday and like your new name as much as I do.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n John was furiously pecking away at the touch screen on the tracker that showed the disposition of local forces. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Whatcha doing?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I asked. I know better than to ask.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Playing Madden Insurgent 2006.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Say what?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Madden Insurgent 2006. Look,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he said changing his voice slightly to imitate the sportscaster. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Second platoon is set up over here on a little screen and Hajji comes around and *BOOM!* Stuffed right there. All day, just dig, dig, dig. Then comes up and stuffed cold with a slobber knocker. They keep going for the ground game because they don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have anything in the air, but they just can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t pull it off. \u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n Blink.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153See, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a simple post play. He goes out here to where the shovel is, but then he just waits there. He doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make any effort to get open and is all wrapped up in coverage. You just can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do that and expect it to work.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n I stared at John.<\/p>\n Good thing that he didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t write any kids at all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u00e2\u20ac\u0153A back scratcher? I ask for a DVD and I get a fucking back scratcher? Those guys got a PS 3 and a Ferrari and I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even get a lousy movie? What the fuck? I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to scratch my fucking nuts with this!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d He was waving the bamboo device in the air like an […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-49","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-and-babble-on"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=49"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/49\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=49"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=49"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.trinitytestsite.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=49"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}